Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Coffeeshop People

Even though putting people into categories is instinctively wrong and all of my professors at the Faculty of Behavioural Sciences would kill me for promoting stereotyping, I’m going to pursue this loathsome act in order to produce enjoyment in a rather novel addition of writing about the different people in coffee shops.

The Couple
The Couples are a quite self-explanatory category, consisting of two lovebirds spending a mellow time at the interior. They draw relatively little attention to themselves, as they are most likely caught in an exclusive discussion about their friend who got pregnant while enjoying a cup of tea and a pre-rolled joint. (Pun intended). The Couple spend a moderate amount of time at the coffee shop, and they usually leave after they are finished with their tea/joint. Being the essence of normality, the Couple is a welcome guest to any good-mannered coffee shop.

Honey, what if like ... peanuts.

The Regular
Buying a cup of tea, sitting at the counter, rolling joints with remarkable skill and chatting with the clerk for hours are the essential characteristics of the Regular. He (most commonly a man) is the heart of the coffee shop and knows everything about the place in question, from the selection of the strains to the next song in the playlist. When encountering foreigners, the Regular may appear indifferent at worst and snappy at best, asking you politely if there were any monsters in the bathroom (‘cause you're still staring at the door in hazy confusion).

He's also almost as cool as Chong.

The Gang
They arrive with great enthusiasm, pick the largest table available, start drinking coke, and smoke away. Usually quite calm, the gang occasionally engages in roaring laughter over the matter of God knows what, retrieving then to their delightful chit chat. Rarely obnoxious (it’s a coffee shop, not a sleazy pub), the gang might only pose a problem to the visitor if space is under great demand. The natural solution to this is to join the group and offer them Red Bull. Yeah, I don’t know.

"There's this car that runs on water, man!"

The Lone Girl
The Lone Girl sits alone and starts a phone conversation at the exact same second she sparks the joint. To this day there are no explanations why she has to talk to the phone while smoking but one educated guess is that if she doesn’t, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. She oftentimes seems to ignore the presence of other customers and is thus very difficult to approach. After the joint and the phone discussion, she leaves, never to be seen again.
... And she's certainly not wondering which seat can she take! Haha! ... I'm sorry, I really couldn't come up with anything better, I didn't really get any sleep at night. I mean, I still shouldn't take the easy road. Oh, nevermind.

The Childhood Friends
They wander into the coffee shop on a sunny afternoon, buy some dank weed and start a game of chess, whilst enjoying the joints they take turns in rolling. There are no worries surrounding them, and they are both covered by a divine aura as they play away the day. If you run into the same coffee shop at the same time as them, the Arabian legend tells that you become blessed until the next Sabbath. Try to share a joint with them and be introduced to a warm feeling of happiness.

So divine.

The Foreigners
Usually seen travelling in packs, the Foreigners get stuck looking at the price list until finally ordering something with either an authentic or broken American accent. If you observe a group of Foreigners, you may notice that one out of three of these phrases: “God, I’m so high”, “Legal weed is awesome, man”, and “Dude, imagine owning a coffee shop”, are uttered within the first hour and repeated during the second. They are constantly amazed by their surroundings, the decorations, the people, and the multiple bags of weed they stuff in their pockets, even though they would have already spent several months in the country. They are as children brought to this magical world. Yeah, self-irony rules, man.

Also, one of them is Slater.

Tune in for some new additions some day, some time, when you least expect it!

1 comment:

  1. Hahahaha funny read. Only been to the coffeeshop in my town would like to travel around the world visiting more.